Remembering.

I like to remember things.

(...Wow, what a lame sentence to start with. Duh. Everyone remembers things. How do you expect to have a worthwhile blog with introductory sentences like that? Ok, let's expand on that idea and maybe we can redeem ourselves.)

Sometimes, moments from my past pop into my head and I will spend that next half hour or so just remembering that specific time.

(That's already better!)

Most often, it's places I've been and specific things I've done. For instance, two summers ago I spent a month in LA helping my mom clean out my grandmother's house after she passed away. I didn't really have much connection to that house and it wasn't an enjoyable time being there. Yet, every time I think about it I get this feeling like someone is standing on my chest and I am overwhelmingly sad. I get this feeling a lot when I think about the past. Maybe it's because I will never see that house again. Even if I did, it looks totally different now because new people moved in. That particular aspect of my past (and my mother's past) is gone forever. Maybe that feeling is because that time in my life was very stressful and my anxiety level was high. I had to fly alone for the first time all the way across the country. That alone sent me into an anxiety attack. Also, my poor mom had been in LA for months and was also anxious so that made me anxious.  Maybe remembering that time makes me remember that high level of anxiety.

Anyway, that's not the only time when I get this feeling. Any time I remember something from my past, like past places I've lived or vacations I had, I feel that crushing feeling. Surely I'm not the only one who is painfully reminiscent?

In a similar thread, I am terrified of forgetting things. I mean, our memories are crucial. Without them, it's like we're empty people. Our past is what makes us interesting. Sometimes I forget things that I previously knew so well. Like the address to that house in LA. I could have told you easily a year ago. Now, I can't remember. What if I forget something that only I remember? It's gone.

(Ok, calm down. Sheesh. A few more sentences and you would have gone emo on us! This isn't livejournal! Or that secret diary you keep on your shelf next to the Tolkien!)